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Wednesday, Feb. 02, 2005 - 10:59 p.m.
I am in shock these days. I knew Bill did not have much longer to live but I never expected him to die so soon. And although in a way it is a relief that I no longer have to worry about him I still miss him and at times can almost convince myself that he is not dead. C S Lewis words sums up what has been happening to me lately.
"At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone is saying."
I understand that this is a normal part of grief and that even when the novacaine wears off shock can set in again. Especially when there are special occassions. If I did not know these things I would think I was going crazy. I also know that this shock is protecting me as I would be overwhelmed if it was not for the shock.
This death has left me injured and I'm in shock right now. I can't believe that Bill is really gone. I can't believe I will never feel his strong arms around me again or hear him laugh.
Right now I would give anything to have him back and even change a poopy diaper again. But I won't ever do that again. So I'm left in shock not really hearing or understanding anything. Only the ticking of his old oak clock making any sense at all as it tells me that time marches on and some day I too will pass on.
To Love Again - Friday, Apr. 28, 2006
Making Valentines - Friday, Feb. 10, 2006
December Grief - Tuesday, Nov. 22, 2005
Good Out Of Bad - Sunday, Jul. 31, 2005
Spring...The Renewal Of Life - Monday, Mar. 21, 2005
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